


i know love is a seasonal thing.

by doctorwodka



Category: Moominvalley (Cartoon 2019), Mumintroll | Moomins Series - Tove Jansson, 楽しいムーミン一家 | Moomin (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Invisible Snufkin, M/M, Pining, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Snufkin has a tail, [snufkin voice] i'm gay. i have depression. i'm new in town, also he has paws, i'll add more tags when they become relevant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-10 13:43:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18661570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorwodka/pseuds/doctorwodka
Summary: That terror seizes his chest even now, filling his heart & lungs and making it hard to breathe. It anchors itself in his heart, whispering, "stay away."





	1. away.

Late winter still gripped at the forest; at least, that's what Snufkin insisted to himself. It wasn’t time yet, despite how much his heart protested and how far his feet led him back to the valley.

Birds echo his soft winter songs that he plays on his harmonica late at night, and there are days where there's not even frost on the ground when he wakes up. Trees up above have small buds of flowers they dare to grow in the cool air, and he's met with the soft growth of fresh, new grass every morning.

These are tell tale signs of spring arriving very soon and yet… he was still hesitant to go back. Sometimes he debated on traveling even further south just to prove a point to himself: spring hadn't reached Moominvalley yet, and he absolutely wasn't ready to go back.

But in truth, he missed Moominvalley and the people it housed. He missed the valley fiercely, having grown over the years to love it there. He missed the Moomins and the Snorks, as well as the warmth and love they brought with them. And he certainly missed Moomintroll, his closest friend for.. why, for as long as he can _remember_. He even dares to miss Little My, despite her knowing eyes and prying questions.

Yet he was always heart-stoppingly terrified he wouldn't be welcomed back. Those worries run wild in his mind at night; maybe he had left too suddenly one too many times. Maybe Moominmamma and Moominpappa were relieved to have one less child to keep an eye on. Or maybe Moomintroll had had enough of his shenanigans and decided that Snufkin wasn't worth his time in the end.

That terror seizes his chest even now, filling his heart & lungs and making it hard to breathe. It anchors itself in his heart, whispering, “ _stay away_." It echoes there, right next to Moomintroll's laughter.

It was preposterous, of course, the rational part of his brain said. Those of Moominvalley could hardly say they hated seeing Snufkin. Moomintroll in particular could never hate him. After all, he certainly was the first one to claim that they were best friends all those years ago. At the time, Snufkin found it amusing having the young Moomin at his side.

But nowadays, he missed the days where Moomintroll was stuck to him like glue. Not to say the few days where they were stuck together with glue -- which was a _very_ long story that _desperately_ needed some added embellishments from Moominpappa -- was great, however. However, there was little room to doubt if someone disliked you or not if they willingly didn't want to leave you, even when they're the one to (accidentally) have gotten your coat covered in their fur.

But Snufkin was worried that his dearest friend Moomintroll thought he disliked him, and his stomach rolls at the thought. There wasn't a trace of doubt in Snufkin's mind that Moomintroll had been upset that he had decided too early to leave.

He hadn't even left a note before he left.

* * *

 

The months away from Moominvalley were.. never kind for travelers like Snufkin. People are cruel outside of the valley, angry you disturb their peace and bitter about your very existence. There are many who would sooner trick you than trust you, and it had left Snufkin anxious for spring to arrive.

Towns and cities thrive with the hustle and bustle of everyday life that the inhabitants of were well used to, but of which Snufkin greatly wasn’t. All he wanted to do was go to the market, get a few supplies, and be gone before anyone even noticed he was there in the first place. Even if he enjoyed being in town, he despised the odd looks he got.

Those in Moominvalley never questioned him, but with more eyes in towns like this, it was inevitable that there would be more stares. More rude remarks burned on the tips of people's tongues, and even if many didn't say anything, he could still see it in their faces that they thought the mumrik was exceptionally out of place. It was better if he was gone before they could say them, and silence quickly became one of his best friends. It wasn't like they would listen to him, anyway.

Soon, town after town he visited began showing their true colors, beating down upon the poor and desolate, including him with his coat threatening to rip again at the seam of his left elbow and his lack of bathing. Snufkin shrunk into himself even more, only going to market when he absolutely needed supplies.

This winter away from Moominvalley was the worst in years, and it got worse not just because of the fact that Snufkin's heart ached to be back; the heavy snowfall left many in need of shelter and food, and as much as Snufkin valued his privacy, he'd be no better person if he sent them away just as others had done.

So it was here, set up outside of town, far away from knowing eyes and prying questions that he felt the soft tingle of transparency work it’s ways into his paws, and terror gripped his heart once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you got a notification about this chapter bein edited, sorry, that was just me realizing i used the wrong cardinal direction and fixed it


	2. alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moominmamma said it was my turn with the moominvalley canon  
> also im trying to do a mixture of the 90's anime and moominvalley based interactions so if its wacky thats why!!

Snufkin was alone the day he discovered his paws missing.

Visitors had come and gone for the past week, taking shelter in the small camp that the mumrik had set up not too far outside of the village that shunned them away in the first place. He hadn’t realized it would happen before it did, but they wore down his patience and his sanity fast, leaving his heart bitter.

He wanted to scream into that cool night air many more times than he really should've. Barely anyone listened to him, which he attributed originally to be because of his age. Many of the others were quite convinced the moment they left their items alone, he'd take them. He figured _that_ to be because the defensive nature you learn on the road.

The rudeness, however, was primarily what he had grown bitter about. Any conversations that occurred were curt. More than a few of them left Snufkin uneasy about his decisions to house so many people in such short of time.

Why would you be like that to the person who decided to house you as the winter air left your paws numbed and your bones chilled?

 

The day before he had been planning to leave, Snufkin caught a pair of young twin girls, seemingly much younger than him or Moomintroll, trying to take his pack right from his under his nose as he was sleeping. The two were chased from his campsite, but not before one managed to snatch his hat and bolt, giggling up a storm. They were gone before he even realized what was missing, and Snufkin cursed himself for not realizing it sooner in his tired state.

What was he doing here? If he continued to stay, everything he owned would be gone before he knew it. He didn’t keep useless items -- though they might’ve seemed useless to anyone else, everything he owned had some sort of memory tied to it. Nothing there was without meaning, and he just lost the one thing he owned that he had the most memories tied to.

How would Moomintroll react if he walked into Moominvalley with no hat? His heart would break, and Snufkin wouldn’t be able to bear the look on his face.

He had been the one who gave it to Snufkin in the first place, after all.

* * *

 

The first summer he had been in Moominvalley, Snufkin befriended the young moomin near instantaneously. It was hard not to; Moomintroll followed him practically anywhere, amazed at all the tales the young mumrik had to tell. It was... nice, he had to say. If it wasn't nice, there would've been no reason for him to have kept coming back.

That summer, Snufkin also lost his hat. Of course it was during a less _malicious_ moment, the wind seemingly snatching it right off his head and taking it on the breeze. The pair had chased it for so long until they lost sight of it. Maybe it got stuck in a tree but… knowing their luck, it was to be gone forever.

“I’m sorry, Snufkin,” Moomintroll had said, ears and tail drooping from disappointment. “I know you quite liked that hat and all.”

The mumrik’s heart involuntarily beat faster for a moment, even with him trying to catch his breath.

“It’s quite alright,” Snufkin shrugged, trying very hard to look nonchalant (which was an action he quite hadn’t gotten the hang of yet). His heart pounded in his ears, and he was hyper aware of the sweat that clung to his brow. “I’m sure I can manage without it. It’s just a hat, you know.”

He honestly thought that'd be the end of it.  He didn’t want Moomintroll to worry about it, after all, and he’d hate to see the moomin upset over a silly old hat.

Perhaps that had only been the first of many things unspoken.

 

The second summer he had visited the valley, Snufkin had returned to a gift. Only one, if Moomintroll were to tell the story, but Snufkin knew it to be many, hidden away deep in his heart. To lessen the blow of leaving, he had chosen to stay in Moominvalley until Moominhouse was silent as the Moomin family hibernated and snow fell softly upon the ground. It made his stomach twist to stay someplace for that long, but… he had a friend in Moomintroll.

They hadn’t discussed Snufkin returning the following spring. He did, though he didn’t understand why he bothered. Another unspoken moment between the two.

It certainly surprised Snufkin when he stepped out from the brush and the trees, harmonica playing that years spring song, to see Moomintroll. It had surprised him long enough that his spring song was left unfinished that year.

He had apparently waited for days for him to return on the bridge that crossed the brook to Moominhouse, and Snufkin… felt warmth spread in his chest at the sight of a friend. Maybe even relief. The tune of that old spring song bounced around in his mind years later as he remembered how it felt when he saw that joyful smile creep up onto Moomintroll’s face. It made his chest ache then, and it still ached now.

In Moomintroll’s paws… was his hat? Well -- _no_ , scratch that. Not _his_ hat, but a _very_ good recreation of it, certainly. It might’ve looked like his hat, but when the moomin pushed it into Snufkin’s paws, he could see just how different it was. It felt different, the fabric new and not worn down from repeating wearing, and he didn’t smell any of his forest adventures in it. It only smelt of Moominhouse and the warm spring air. The mumrik turned it around in his paws, practically fascinated by the detail.

“Do you like it?” Moomintroll asked excitedly, causing Snufkin to nearly jump in surprise. He had nearly forgotten for a moment that the other was there, and he felt his cheeks go red in embarrassment.

“You… made this? For me?” Snufkin was dumbfounded. He had never been given a gift like this before, much less… something so _thoughtful_ as a replacement hat.

“Yes! Um - Mamma and I’d been working on it since last fall, before you left. Well, mostly Mamma. I’m not all that good with.. hat making, I suppose.” Moomintroll was rambling, obviously trying to cover his tracks in case Snufkin didn’t like it. It made the mumrik’s face feel even warmer than it was. “I figured… it could be a surprise when you got back. So -- surprise! Do you... like it?”

He blinked down at the hat and then back up at Moomintroll, racking his brain for a response. On the tip of his tongue, he wanted to say _no, but thank you_ and press the hat back into the other’s paws but… he just couldn’t will himself to say the words.

When had Moomintroll become someone he couldn’t say no to?

“Yes, I… Thank you, Moomintroll,” he says with a soft smile and sets the hat upon his head. “I’ll be sure not to lose this one.”

* * *

 

It was there alone in his campsite, head in his paws as he regretted everything he’d done to reach this low in his life that he lost one of his prized possessions, that the tingle in his paws started up. At first, he tried to shake it off, just thinking it to be his paws falling asleep. When that didn’t work, he glanced down. He let out a startled shout.

There was nothing there. It was his coat sleeve and then… nothing. No paws, no claws, no… anything. He _felt_ them, certainly, as he flexed and unflexed his fingers. He even tested it with a small stick that seemed to float above the ground when he picked it up. But otherwise, they were completely missing  
Snufkin lets out a shaky breath and gets to his feet. It was time to leave, and he absolutely knew it. It’d been time to leave a week ago.

But.. was it time to go to Moominvalley? Did he want to go back to Moominvalley and face the disappointment in Moomintroll’s face?

He knew what he really wanted right now, but he couldn’t do that. He wanted to curl up, hide away in his tent and sleep the rest of the year, much like many did during the winter. Those thoughts had slithered into his heart and mind long ago, but they mostly only showed their nasty faces in the cold months. It was when he was at his most vulnerable.

Maybe the Moomins got something right when it came to hibernating.

The winter was cold, and dark, and certainly too lonely for a boy like him to manage on his own. But he still refused to stay in Moominvalley for that time. Or maybe he just hesitated when it came to that decision. Too hesitant to face Moomintroll’s sadness at his leaving in the late fall. Too stubborn to refuse to come back.

Refused. Hesitated. Words that sing and echo each other again and again in Snufkin’s mind. They spun around and around, leaving him breathless, dizzy, and scared.

The tingling was almost gone by the time he felt it in his tail, and by that time he barely even registered that his own brain was whispering that Moomintroll would be so _disappointed_ in him.

He’d heard stories of invisible children, of course. Many people had. They were much more common in the places he’d travelled than they were in Moominvalley, but that didn’t make it any better in the end. It certainly didn’t make it any easier to get help.

He’d never thought he’d be one of them. He really would have to go back, wouldn’t he? Moominmamma should know how to fix this.

He hoped she could, at any rate.


	3. antagonize.

_Despair_ was one word to describe how Snufkin felt at the prospect of potentially going back to Moominvalley only partially visible.

His thoughts, despite how much he tried to focus on the task at hand, would always spiral out of his control. What would his friends think? What would Moomintroll think? He couldn't stand to think about the pitiful looks that he'd likely get.

So, of course that's what plagued his thoughts the entire time he was on the road, day after day. Thinking about all the attention he'd likely end up getting brought a nasty chill down his spine.

But he knew for certain was that he needed to get back to Moominvalley. He needed his friends. He needed Moominmamma and her invisibility cure. He... needed Moomintroll, at least for the comfort that he wasn’t going to be shunned for taking so long. That thought sent his heart fluttering and his stomach into knots.

The problem was, well… he was lost.

Well - he wasn't lost. He _never_ got lost. He knew his way back to Moominvalley like the back of his paw, memorized from years of trips there and back from around the countryside. He was like a bird, flying back to the home where it was raised to settle down again.

Except, of course, he was not raised in Moominvalley, and he certainly was not one to settle down. Anyway.

He simply was… disoriented, miles and miles away from Moominmamma and her cure to his invisibility. Away from Moomintroll.

His head would spin when he tried to figure out exactly where he was, and the odd looks he kept getting from others he passed on the road didn’t help much, either. Snufkin never appreciated strangers, and kept to himself much more on the road. He couldn't risk losing any more of his belongings.

 

So when he set up camp and went to go fishing two weeks after losing sight of his paws and tail, he _really_ wasn’t expecting to come back several hours later to his tent housing a sleeping man inside. He didn't seem to take up much space despite his size, and his tail, similar to Snufkin’s, twitched in his sleep. A large, red hat covered his face from the sunlight that streamed in from the now unzipped tent.

He didn't even stir when Snufkin let out a startled breathy sound as he finally noticed the stranger in his tent. After a moment, the younger mumrik scowled, setting his fishing pole and bucket on the ground with a loud clang. He could barely keep his frustration stifled. He was about to let the other get a piece of his mind when suddenly, a voice spoke up from the ground.

"It's quite unkind to watch someone sleep, you know," the stranger mumbled, quiet enough that Snufkin had to strain his ears to hear it. It startled him a bit, and he gaped a little down at the other. He had a knife in his pocket but… did he need it yet?

After a long moment of silence, the intruder huffed and sat up, readjusting his hat on his head and turning to face the one who dared disturb his rest. Dark hair peeked out from under the brim of his hat, and Snufkin noted that it almost looked like similarly colored fur that covered his forehead and nose. His eyes were also curious shade of blue, very vibrant, and much like the river on a sunny day.

The intruder’s expression was blank for a beat of time as he looked up at the other.

"-- But I see it's also hard to know whether someone is looking at something if they're invisible."

 

Snufkin felt rooted to the ground, as still as the trees that surrounded his camp. His breath caught in his lungs and he instinctively reached up towards his own face. Was he _fully_ invisible? When did this happen? His clothes were still there, but he _did_ know his legs lost their visibly several days ago. The stranger noticed his sudden stillness and hummed.

"New thing, being invisible? Actually, don't answer that. You probably can’t, anyway." He pauses for a beat. "Is that fish I smell?"

Before Snufkin can even respond, he's being pushed aside as the other goes through the tent flap and suddenly his bucket of fresh carp is being raided through. Water sloshed about, and the intruder seemed to make a triumphant sound as he grabs a carp with his paws. As much as he’s ready to protest, his voice seems to be failing him, much like the other predicted. He can barely get a squeak out. So, he does what any half decent mumrik would do at the prospect of someone stealing your freshly caught fish and you can’t curse them out: he shoves him as hard as he can away from the bucket and pulls out his pocket knife.

There’s a pregnant pause as the older man tumbles backwards onto his back, fish in paw and blinking up at the other in surprise. Snufkin quickly grabs the handle and scrabbles backwards, heart racing, only for the other to burst out laughing as he sits up.

“ _There_ you go! More outbursts like that, and you’ll be back to normal in no time, I'm sure.” With horror, he watches as the older man takes a bite out of the fish in his paw. “I’m the Joxter,” the older mumrik says matter-of-factly around the fish in his mouth. He swallows and grins, showing off his sharp incisors, and Snufkin inches backwards. “I’m visiting an old friend. Care to join me? We both seem to be headed north, after all, and you seem to need the company.”

As much as Snufkin wanted to say no to him, his words were swallowed by the fact that this.. _Joxter_ might be his only way back to Moominvalley. He swallows his pride and nodded. Which, of course, he realizes after a moment, the Joxter couldn’t see without his hat. He just seemed to be looking up at him with those odd eyes, waiting for a response.

With a sigh, the younger of the two leaned down and knocked twice on a fallen log, and the Joxter’s grin widened. _God_ , was he creepy.

“Excellent! Then we set out in the morning.”

Something told him that he’d regret this decision very quickly. He didn’t bother giving the older man a response, only stepping into his tent, bucket in paw to save them from any intruder, seemingly charming or not. The tent zipping up was deafening in the otherwise silent forest.

"Not sharing, then?" called out the Joxter into the still evening air.

This was going to be a long trip back home. Or... whatever Moominvalley was to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jazz hands. a little shorter chapter, but i have the next one pretty planned out already, so be on the look out for that soon.

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello welcome to my first fanfiction in quite literally like 4 years? so apologies if this is a little wacky, i just couldn't not write about snufkin. no betas we die like men am i right  
> anyway if you wanna support me and my lesbian ass, i'm at lesbiandice on tumblr!


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